55th bday

For my 55th bday I want to gift myself a solo trip.

Wondering how to start,not confident enough if I should.

I have hardly travelled much, leave alone,a solo trip,so feeling very unsure,but still I want to.

I need a break from every concern-thought-relation-myself, just to see if I can survive and if I wish to come back.

How would it feel to not have anyone to talk to,to share,to rely or be taken care of.

Though even now when I look back at this very moment,I don't have anyone to talk to,to share or to rely on.God probably forgot to send me a loving-caring heart,why?must be my past life sins.

Other than monetary needs,I can't ask for anything else.My emotional account has long been running on overdraft.That too must be my doing,my wrongs and my mistakes.

My family doesnt want me,even if I want the kids to like me,guess they are past that stage now-maybe I am to blame for that too.

I am a rough person to handle,irritating,moody-poisnous-vitriolic-stubborn-pessimistic-possessive,unforgiving and forgetful.I have been told,I am bad-wont contest that now,probably I am that too.Who cares-does it matter if I am an empty cartridge. 

I have been asked to remain in my limits-my aukat.Have wanted to ask,what are my limits?

So this 55th bday,I want to test my limits,to search those boundaries that bind me.

To stretch my limits,so that I can grow my wings and fly up to see that whole round rainbow.

To find out how bad I really am.

But HOW?

Firstly,any activity needs money and I HATE to ask the man or the boys for money.

I don't want to burden others for my travels.

Second,I can sell my jewellery but that too would be a meager amount,not that I was sent off with anything big,nor have I earned much in the past years.But selling jewellery is the last option.

So what else?

How?¿